Tuesday

2 more days and he leaves. 

Why does it hurt so bad?

I thought I didn’t care about you the way I used to. 

Was I just trying to play myself, make myself seem further from you to protect myself?

I hate it. I wish I hated you. 

I don’t hate anyone, so I wish I really disliked you. 

But I don’t. I love you. 

So it hurts. It’s tearing me apart. 

To know that in two days the apartment you call home will just be another apartment. 

The street you live on will just be another street. 

You. 

You will be just another person. 

A stranger who knows so much about me. 

My fears, my faults, my imperfections. 

My goals, my dreams, the way I feel for you. 

It hurts that you’re going to throw it all away. 

A selfish act because you’re bored of your life. 

Its unfair. 

Everyone keeps saying you don’t love me. 

I pretend you do. 

Its easier that way. 

2 more days and I’ll never see you again. 

I’ll just be holding on to the broken promises, the empty memories that you leave behind. 

I love you but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive this. 

Leaving

He’s leaving again…

Second time in the nearly 4 years that he does this. 

This time to a different country.

Why must he go? 

Leave once again. 

Thats all he knows how to do. 

Runaway. 

Run from the problems. 

Just like he does when he’s here, all while numbing the pain. 

He doesn’t like to feel. 

Only I feel. 

And it hurts. Not as bad as last time. 

But it does hurt. 

This time it seems like its over. 

The Damage won’t be able to be repaired as easily as it’d been done in the past. 

Perhaps thats why it seems more real. 

Why do you still have control over me? 

I thought I was done with that. 

But I’m clearly not because you’re leaving and I’m falling to pieces. 

Slowly. 

Unsure if I’ll ever be put back together. 

Without being bruised and scarred after how you’ve left me. 

Dishonesty

I’m unable to trust you, I doubt every word. 

Well, perhaps not every word. But every few sentences. Thats more reasonable. 

I try to find hidden meanings in what I’m told. I look for small clues to figure out the truth. 

Are you lying?

I will never know. Not true, I caught most of your lies in time. 

It didn’t make it anymore difficult though, figuring out the truth. 

Any less disappointing? 

Negative. It was all the same. The let down, the confusion, the pain, the anger, the forgiveness. 

Are you telling the truth? 

You say its different this time. Why is it different? How has it changed from last time?

I can’t continue to be blind. Thats not me anymore. 

I had an eye mask, but its been lifted. I can see and hear through your lies. 

You still act shady. I agree, I hide stuff now too. 

You started it, does it make it any better?

Not at all. I still feel bad. All the negative emotions hit me hard. I can’t get rid of them. 

You were always dishonest, from day 1. 

Why would I expect it to change now? 

It wouldn’t. You’re the same person, you’re just turning me into someone who now watches her back and never let’s her guard down. 

Not That Simple

It didn’t last long…

You trying to be apart, you came back wanting everything you thought you could leave behind. 

This time, I didn’t give in. 

I chose to stay apart. It was easier this time for me to say no. 

Perhaps it was my distractions. 

Other guys showing interest and doing what you’d stopped doing, showed me I don’t have to wait forever on you. 

If you won’t pick up the slack, someone else will. 

If you don’t want to make time for me, guess what? 

There’s plenty of others who will. There are those who will make me feel beautiful, when you’d forgotten to remind me of that. 

New experiences have happened since you left my life. 

Now you want me back. Its been over a month, we’ve been apart. 

Some days I miss you, and think of giving you another chance. 

But then I remind myself of how many chances you’ve already had, and wasted. 

Now that you know other guys have my attention, you’re scared.

You feel like you’re losing me. Well, welcome to my world. I lost you to your nasty habits, several times. 

About damn time you feel some of that. 

I don’t know what to do, I still love you. 

But is it even worth it anymore? Or should I continue moving on? 

Surely, time will tell. 

The real you

When did you decide I wasn’t good enough? 

You say I’m too ambitious for you…

Well shouldn’t we all strive to be better people? Am I wrong for never being complacent long enough for it to be considered settling? 

Settling is what you do. I’ve seen it often. You settle at work, you settle with friendships, you settle with your whole entire life. 

Then you’re miserable. 

You come complaining about your life and how depressed you are. I can’t help, you don’t want it. You think you don’t need it. You think you’re fine without it. 

For awhile…

Let’s see how long it’ll last this time around. 

This time around it seems worse. You hit a new low. Even for you. 

You claim I want too much out of life. Well hun, all we get is one shot. So yeah I obviously want the best I can give myself. Why be miserable during this life? 

You’re settling with the little you have. Are you happy?

Obviously not, if you were you wouldn’t try burying your worries away with your method of escape. 

You can’t escape, every time you sober up, guess what? It’ll still be there. 

Haunting you, haunting me. 

Don’t try and pretend it makes you feel better. It won’t. Never has, never will. 

You just don’t learn. I once thought you had a brain, now I see you for what you truly are. 

Harsh? Truth hurts. Get used to it. 

That’s the real you. Become one with it. 

Once you do, you can accept how low you’ve gone and you can try and make a change. 

Don’t tell me I’m too ambitious. For some, I’m not ambitious enough. I try my best. 

But you don’t push me up, you try and steer me the wrong way. 

Good thing I’m not weak, like you. 

You’ve always been weak and you will continue to be weak. Because that’s who you are. Its embedded in your veins. Runs through your blood. 

That’s the real you. 

Life has been so blah lately

Lately I just want to sleep. 

I get what’s going on though, I’m going through a rough time. 

Depression is a real thing. Of course after all that’s happened as of late, its normal for me to be upset. 

If I wasn’t then I’m not sure what kind of person I’d be to be honest. 

But still its been really hard. At work my mind is constantly elsewhere. 

When I’m home my mind is still in other places. 

My boyfriend is still sticking with this new religion of his and that’s caused plenty of strains on our relationship. 

I’m glad for the positive changes in his life, but I feel the negative may very well outweigh the positive changes. 

I’m not any closer to him nor do I feel like we’re progressing at all. I think we’ve hit a huge bump in the road and I don’t know if we’ll be able to get around it. 

Works hard when my head isn’t really there. I dread it often. But only because I just wish to lay in bed all day. 

Getting up and doing anything is like the last thing on my list of plans right now. 

I just hope this changes soon. 

2016 has been the worst year of my life…

This year has seriously been horrible for me. 

I guess I could kind of tell from last new years that it was going to be rocky. 

My boyfriend and I had gotten into a huge fight because I found out he’d been lying to me about something I was strongly against for awhile. I mean probably since we began dating because he knew how against it I was. 

So although we did spend the beginning of the evening together, once I found out the truth, shit definitely hit the fan. 

I already have huge trust issues, to come to find out the man who I loved had been lying to me for the last 2.5 years really messed me up. 

So basically the first few months of the new year sucked for me because of this lie. Things slowly started making sense and I realized how could I not have noticed? But I guess when you think you’re in love, you’re blinded and of course no one wants to believe their significant other is lying to them about something you feel so strongly about. 

In about February, I started finding out that I was going to need to find a new job asap because the site where I was doing security at was going to shut down. So if I didn’t find a new job, I’d risk getting laid off or moving somewhere relatively dangerous. 

That started a bunch of stress for me. And of course I can’t take much stress, that causes me to get sick. And then I started worrying that I would get another tumor like I’d had in the past. 

In April I found a new job. The worst job I’ve ever had. I worked for chase, they’re a horrible company to work for. 

You know the companies where they say you’re just a number? Yeah, that’s what an employee is to chase. 

I had a horrible schedule. I worked a mid shift, and I had to work Every single Sunday. My manager who I ended up finding out wasn’t even my manager, threatened to write me up constantly. 

For pure nonsense really. He didn’t like me. He also constantly asked me very personal questions which made me obviously very uncomfortable. 

I worked there for 4 long months. I hated every minute of it. I hated the schedule, my manager was a horrible 27 year old prick. 

And all I dealt with while working at chase as an online banker was people calling in to report issues. Constant complaining, that I could care less about. 

It was horrible. In September I got hired at amazon. So I quit on the spot at chase. Hated it so much I didn’t care to put in a 2 weeks notice. I’d rather go to a different bank if I ever wanted to do something like that again. Which I clearly hate banking from that experience. 

Now months later, chase is trying to take back some of the vacation hours they’d paid me for claiming that I didn’t work there long enough to have gotten all those hours of vacation. Horrible company. Why give me those hours in the first place if I wasn’t eligible for it?

I went to orientation at amazon, it was a seasonal position but if they liked you, they’d keep you after the holidays. However after the orientation I was told to wait to actually start. Never started. I emailed and called them plenty, but they kept saying I needed to wait for my shift I’d picked to begin training. 

I was jobless for nearly 2 months. 

Money started running out. My dad got injured at work in August. It was a very stressful time. I didn’t know what was gonna happen. I kept applying at jobs. My car started giving me problems so I traded it in and then I had 3 interviews and landed my current job. 

Which by the way, I love. I’m a therapist now. And I couldn’t be happier. Its a wonderful job where I love all my patients. I do work far from home but I’m hoping to be transferred to a location much closer to me very soon. 

Saturday, December 10, 2016 my grandpa passed away. It was an extremely sad day for me. We had to fly to New York, when I saw him on December 13 at the wake, I couldn’t stop crying. I hadn’t seen him since 2013. Last time I saw him I took a picture with him. I never would’ve guessed that would’ve been the last picture I’d ever take with him. 

He couldn’t walk very well the last time I’d seen him. But he tried his best. He used to always ask me as a kid if I wanted any bread or fruit when I’d go to his house. I always chose bread. It’d just be plain bread. But it was amazing to me. 

So many people remember him for being so kind. He always was. He would go above and beyond for anyone who needed help. He was always at church on Sundays. Up until he couldn’t walk anymore. 

In the end, he walked with a cane. He used to always walk to stores nearby to get bread, fruits, and vegetables. But eventually he couldn’t anymore. 

He was 78 years old when he left this world and went on to the next. I wonder if he’s still 78 there. 

It was so sad seeing him in the coffin, I’d never seen anyone in one before. I’d never lost anyone near and dear to me. Why did he have to be the first one? 

He had 7 children with my grandma. I watched as 6 of them cried, got angry, didn’t want to accept it. Everyone dealt with it differently. Some screamed, some cried, some said it was not real, and all I could do was kneel beside his coffin, sobbing. 

He missed Christmas this year. That was his favorite holiday. When I was a child, one of our traditions was that he’d dress up as Santa and give the 4 grandchildren our gifts that year. We’d sit on his lap and believed it was really Santa. 

He made our Christmas every year. Eventually when we found out he was Santa, we still kept the tradition going. He’ll always be my Santa. 

Why did he have to go right before Christmas? Our favorite holiday. 

I guess I won’t ever understand it. I hope he’s watching down on all of us from heaven. I miss him so much. We all do. 

I had to come back to Texas December 19 because of work. But my plane got delayed so I ended up not going back to work till December 20. Everyone at work kept giving me their condolences. I tried to be a shadow. I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want anyone to tell me they were sorry, it wasn’t going to bring him back. A few people had no idea, they thought I’d quit. 

Everyone was in a festive mood. I was so over it. 

Christmas wasn’t special this year. My parents and brothers are still in New York. I went to my godmothers so I wouldn’t be alone during the holiday. I had thought about staying. But my sister and I are never on good terms anymore. And my boyfriend with his conversion to his new religion, doesn’t even celebrate christmas any longer. So I felt if I stayed I’d just cry all night. 

My boyfriend hasn’t even really been here for me through the whole situation with my grandpa passing. Every time we are together he brings up his religion and we can’t agree obviously since we are on opposite ends of the spectrum. He wants me to be ok with a religion where he isn’t even allowed to date me because I am not his religion. They told him he should not be with me. Why would he ever think I’d be ok with that? 

I walk on eggshells with him. I’m just waiting for him to end our relationship as I’m sure they’ll convince him to do so. And he can’t eat normal food any longer. So hanging out with me ends up being more stress than anything as I wait and see what his next move is. 

I don’t really think I need this right now. Instead of asking me how I’m feeling, how I’m doing because of the situation. He just brings up stuff from his book he reads and why it contradicts what’s in my bible. Leading to fights and everything seems to make me cry these days. So I often end up bawling afterwards and wondering why I always seem to be in a bad position with him. 

Perhaps we’re not meant to be together. If he continues with his religion unfortunately they’ll make him break up with me. So that’s probably the case. He doesn’t even want to kiss me anymore. Its changing him drastically and all I would like right now is comfort. I wanna feel loved. 

I feel all alone. I can’t wait till my family gets back. I need them. I don’t know how my sister doesn’t care to have them in her life. I couldn’t live without my family. 

So yeah that sums up my 2016. Worst year so far. And unfortunately I’m not even looking forward to the next year. 

Of course I’m in a very negative and depressing state right now. But after how horribly this year started and how bad it is ending, I don’t even wanna imagine because I already know 2017 is going to start bad.