Mixed Emotions

He left again.

6 months have passed.

This time its been a lot easier.

Second time he leaves in the 4 years we were together.

Second Christmas we missed.

First new year apart since we met.

At first, it was hard.

Seemed impossible.

The sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness.

Now, it’s all better.

I barely even think about him. My mind is consumed with other thoughts.

I no longer think that I can’t live without him, because I know that I can.

I no longer wish to have him back, because why…?

So he can leave again?

My feelings have gone elsewhere.

I tried to warn him, he keeps talking like we’ll end up together.

But my heart is no longer in it.

I no longer blame you, but if you must know, this was your doing.

Who leaves their girlfriend of 4 years and moves to a different country?

Only a fool.

Because there will always be somebody better and somebody who is willing to fill the void you left behind.

I know this piece is called mixed emotions, but I don’t think my emotions are anything but clear to be honest.

I just don’t want to hurt you. But I know what must be done.

I no longer plan to see you again. Its no longer in my dear wishes.

I’m fine, time truly does heal all wounds.

As does, all the pain and negative feelings you put me through.

So, thank you. For helping ease the pain a normal move would cause a lover.

Then again, a normal lover wouldn’t leave their loved one for a different country.

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Quarter life crisis

So there is such a thing as a quarter life crisis. Which I’ve been experiencing without knowing what I was experiencing. 

My birthday was yesterday and I wasn’t the least bit excited about another birthday. 

Normally I do get excited about birthdays, not to the point of wanting a party or anything like that. I don’t like being the center of attention. I hate that. So a party for myself is something I never want to be a part of. 

But I normally want to do something. This year was different. 

A couple weeks before I started to feel very depressed. I was sad and I didn’t understand why. 

I felt anxious as well about my life. 

Nothing was going how it should. 

I tried to explain it to a few friends who are pretty close in age to me. 

Only a couple understood what I was going through. 

The mixed feelings about my life. Success for me wasn’t where it should be. 

My goals were only a third accomplished. 

The sense of emptiness for not working in my career yet, not having my masters degree yet. 

The loneliness that comes from not being in a serious relationship where the next step is getting engaged. 

The sadness that comes in knowing my motherly clock is starting to tick and since I’m nowhere near getting married, who knows when or if I will ever become a mother. 

The friends who don’t understand said that I’m still very young. 27 is the new 21 they said. Well, hell I definitely don’t feel 21. I never had this many backaches at 21. 

And the high blood pressure I’ve been experiencing never used to occur before 26.5. So I definitely don’t feel like time is on my side. 

The friends who understood said they’ve felt all these feelings before. Life isn’t where we’ve expected, planned, and hoped. 

Unfortunately this blog post doesn’t have a good ending or a message of wisdom because honestly I’m still down in a rut. 

I want so many things to happen and quickly. But life isn’t like this. I should know by now. 

I’ve always planned everything and as usual plans are made to be broken. They never end up exactly as you hope. 

Its great to set goals, so you can set steps to try and achieve them. But some things are out of our hands. 

Having faith is all we have sometimes. 

The quarter life crisis is such a thing though. Its becoming more and more prominent. 

People in their mid to late 20’s begin to feel that they’re life isn’t how it should be. They view their lives as dissatisfying especially when people in their social circle have well established lives. Such as already being successful in their dream job, getting engaged or married, and talking kids. 

When you associate yourself around people who seem to be living their dream life, you generally tend to be harder on yourself. Especially if you’re not in a similar boat. 

The quarter life crisis is real. If you’re going through it, know you’re not alone. It will get better, I can’t wait till it does for me so I can write about That. 

It typically lasts about 2 years, oh great. But this actually is known to help 20 year olds get the push we sometimes need to keep working towards our goals. 

Just don’t be too hard on yourself. Work towards what you want and live life how it makes you happy. Remember to please only yourself. What others say and think doesn’t matter. 

Bored

I’ve started to notice a pattern. 

My life becomes redundant. 

Overbearing, repetitive, boring. 

I get in my routine, and it gets old quickly. 

I become bored with who I am, what I do, what I’ve become. 

I try to find escape. 

But its inevitable. 

It always comes. 

I tried so long to push it away, to fight it. 

Pretend it wasn’t there. 

But it creeped up on me, quickly now. 

Full speed. 

Now its consuming me. 

I’m bored. 

Everything is the same. 

No change, just the same old. 

Everyday, same thing. 

Wake up, wait and hope this will change. 

But it never does. 

It hopes to consume the best of me. 

I hate it. 

Tuesday

2 more days and he leaves. 

Why does it hurt so bad?

I thought I didn’t care about you the way I used to. 

Was I just trying to play myself, make myself seem further from you to protect myself?

I hate it. I wish I hated you. 

I don’t hate anyone, so I wish I really disliked you. 

But I don’t. I love you. 

So it hurts. It’s tearing me apart. 

To know that in two days the apartment you call home will just be another apartment. 

The street you live on will just be another street. 

You. 

You will be just another person. 

A stranger who knows so much about me. 

My fears, my faults, my imperfections. 

My goals, my dreams, the way I feel for you. 

It hurts that you’re going to throw it all away. 

A selfish act because you’re bored of your life. 

Its unfair. 

Everyone keeps saying you don’t love me. 

I pretend you do. 

Its easier that way. 

2 more days and I’ll never see you again. 

I’ll just be holding on to the broken promises, the empty memories that you leave behind. 

I love you but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive this. 

Leaving

He’s leaving again…

Second time in the nearly 4 years that he does this. 

This time to a different country.

Why must he go? 

Leave once again. 

Thats all he knows how to do. 

Runaway. 

Run from the problems. 

Just like he does when he’s here, all while numbing the pain. 

He doesn’t like to feel. 

Only I feel. 

And it hurts. Not as bad as last time. 

But it does hurt. 

This time it seems like its over. 

The Damage won’t be able to be repaired as easily as it’d been done in the past. 

Perhaps thats why it seems more real. 

Why do you still have control over me? 

I thought I was done with that. 

But I’m clearly not because you’re leaving and I’m falling to pieces. 

Slowly. 

Unsure if I’ll ever be put back together. 

Without being bruised and scarred after how you’ve left me. 

Dishonesty

I’m unable to trust you, I doubt every word. 

Well, perhaps not every word. But every few sentences. Thats more reasonable. 

I try to find hidden meanings in what I’m told. I look for small clues to figure out the truth. 

Are you lying?

I will never know. Not true, I caught most of your lies in time. 

It didn’t make it anymore difficult though, figuring out the truth. 

Any less disappointing? 

Negative. It was all the same. The let down, the confusion, the pain, the anger, the forgiveness. 

Are you telling the truth? 

You say its different this time. Why is it different? How has it changed from last time?

I can’t continue to be blind. Thats not me anymore. 

I had an eye mask, but its been lifted. I can see and hear through your lies. 

You still act shady. I agree, I hide stuff now too. 

You started it, does it make it any better?

Not at all. I still feel bad. All the negative emotions hit me hard. I can’t get rid of them. 

You were always dishonest, from day 1. 

Why would I expect it to change now? 

It wouldn’t. You’re the same person, you’re just turning me into someone who now watches her back and never let’s her guard down. 

Not That Simple

It didn’t last long…

You trying to be apart, you came back wanting everything you thought you could leave behind. 

This time, I didn’t give in. 

I chose to stay apart. It was easier this time for me to say no. 

Perhaps it was my distractions. 

Other guys showing interest and doing what you’d stopped doing, showed me I don’t have to wait forever on you. 

If you won’t pick up the slack, someone else will. 

If you don’t want to make time for me, guess what? 

There’s plenty of others who will. There are those who will make me feel beautiful, when you’d forgotten to remind me of that. 

New experiences have happened since you left my life. 

Now you want me back. Its been over a month, we’ve been apart. 

Some days I miss you, and think of giving you another chance. 

But then I remind myself of how many chances you’ve already had, and wasted. 

Now that you know other guys have my attention, you’re scared.

You feel like you’re losing me. Well, welcome to my world. I lost you to your nasty habits, several times. 

About damn time you feel some of that. 

I don’t know what to do, I still love you. 

But is it even worth it anymore? Or should I continue moving on? 

Surely, time will tell.