Confusion

Here I was, thinking I was ready to start anew.

Well, as far as my lack of romance.

Turns out, I don’t think I am ready for that.

I’ve been burned and the scars from the past still hurt pretty deeply.

Doesn’t seem like I even want to tread into this new territory.

It’s happening, because I allowed it.

But now I’m regretting it.

Free dinner and a movie, that’s nice. But what happens when you really start to like someone?

He tells you he doesn’t want to get hurt and because of his past and your past, he cuts things off.

Now, you’re back to square one with new guys waiting and ready.

But now you’ve been burned again.

This time by a nice guy, who had everything you wanted in a male partner.

So why couldn’t it work this time around?

Can you not be appreciated by a good guy?

Maybe he wasn’t a good guy, but now the trauma of his words lie in your ears.

Nervous to try again with someone else. Thinking of disappearing on the new guy.

For fear of the pattern in my life of a failing romance continuing to happen.

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Silver lining

Tonight I feel I have a lot to say.

I’m a very unhappy person, and unfortunately it’s on so many different aspects of my life.

Work sucks.

I’m single, completely single and 27 years old.

I wish I worried less.

I wish I was skinnier.

This post sounds like a list of complaints, I know.

But I’m going to get to something positive, I promise.

There’s always a silver lining.

Always a plus to all the cons.

Or at least, ideally there should be.

My job sucks, but at least I make a couple dollars more than I did at the last place. I also happen to work conveniently close to my house. Like 8 minutes close.

As far as being single, I’m still crazy about the guy I can’t be with. So that’s a no go.

I started talking to a guy for about a month or so, things seemed like they were going well. He has his whole life together. He’s an attorney, lives a couple hours away but would travel to see me. Well yesterday, he breaks the news to me…

He is nervous to be in a relationship with me because I just got out of a 4 year relationship and he’s gotten burned with girls in similar situations.

It hurt my ego to be honest, but I figure there’s more to it than that. He probably decided on the other girl he’s been talking to longer than me, that also lives in Houston.

I missed him today, that’s normal though. I was used to talking to him like all day.

I realize what my problem is with guys.

I always fall for someone I can’t be with or isn’t a good fit for me for whatever reason. Then I get lonely and need attention. It’s easy to find that these days.

That instantaneous poof of attention.

But at the end of the day, I’m still lonely.

It doesn’t go away.

Someone will fill the void temporarily.

I’m almost 28 and let’s just say I’m not thrilled about it.

It depresses me to even think about it, so we’ll move on from that point.

I wish I worried less. I literally worry about the craziest things sometimes.

But I can’t make it stop.

Anxiety medication helps with that but now with this job I don’t have insurance.

So, another thing to worry about. No more medicine soon.

I’ve been eating healthy, trying to workout more often. I’m not fat, but I’m not my size 1-2 that I used to be and that sucks.

I don’t know when the heck I developed a butt, but butt could you please shrink a bit, maybe?

I’m going to the Bahamas in August for my birthday!!!

So I have my motivation to lose weight now!

I need to be bikini body ready, I can’t wait!

Mixed Emotions

He left again.

6 months have passed.

This time its been a lot easier.

Second time he leaves in the 4 years we were together.

Second Christmas we missed.

First new year apart since we met.

At first, it was hard.

Seemed impossible.

The sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness.

Now, it’s all better.

I barely even think about him. My mind is consumed with other thoughts.

I no longer think that I can’t live without him, because I know that I can.

I no longer wish to have him back, because why…?

So he can leave again?

My feelings have gone elsewhere.

I tried to warn him, he keeps talking like we’ll end up together.

But my heart is no longer in it.

I no longer blame you, but if you must know, this was your doing.

Who leaves their girlfriend of 4 years and moves to a different country?

Only a fool.

Because there will always be somebody better and somebody who is willing to fill the void you left behind.

I know this piece is called mixed emotions, but I don’t think my emotions are anything but clear to be honest.

I just don’t want to hurt you. But I know what must be done.

I no longer plan to see you again. Its no longer in my dear wishes.

I’m fine, time truly does heal all wounds.

As does, all the pain and negative feelings you put me through.

So, thank you. For helping ease the pain a normal move would cause a lover.

Then again, a normal lover wouldn’t leave their loved one for a different country.

Quarter life crisis

So there is such a thing as a quarter life crisis. Which I’ve been experiencing without knowing what I was experiencing. 

My birthday was yesterday and I wasn’t the least bit excited about another birthday. 

Normally I do get excited about birthdays, not to the point of wanting a party or anything like that. I don’t like being the center of attention. I hate that. So a party for myself is something I never want to be a part of. 

But I normally want to do something. This year was different. 

A couple weeks before I started to feel very depressed. I was sad and I didn’t understand why. 

I felt anxious as well about my life. 

Nothing was going how it should. 

I tried to explain it to a few friends who are pretty close in age to me. 

Only a couple understood what I was going through. 

The mixed feelings about my life. Success for me wasn’t where it should be. 

My goals were only a third accomplished. 

The sense of emptiness for not working in my career yet, not having my masters degree yet. 

The loneliness that comes from not being in a serious relationship where the next step is getting engaged. 

The sadness that comes in knowing my motherly clock is starting to tick and since I’m nowhere near getting married, who knows when or if I will ever become a mother. 

The friends who don’t understand said that I’m still very young. 27 is the new 21 they said. Well, hell I definitely don’t feel 21. I never had this many backaches at 21. 

And the high blood pressure I’ve been experiencing never used to occur before 26.5. So I definitely don’t feel like time is on my side. 

The friends who understood said they’ve felt all these feelings before. Life isn’t where we’ve expected, planned, and hoped. 

Unfortunately this blog post doesn’t have a good ending or a message of wisdom because honestly I’m still down in a rut. 

I want so many things to happen and quickly. But life isn’t like this. I should know by now. 

I’ve always planned everything and as usual plans are made to be broken. They never end up exactly as you hope. 

Its great to set goals, so you can set steps to try and achieve them. But some things are out of our hands. 

Having faith is all we have sometimes. 

The quarter life crisis is such a thing though. Its becoming more and more prominent. 

People in their mid to late 20’s begin to feel that they’re life isn’t how it should be. They view their lives as dissatisfying especially when people in their social circle have well established lives. Such as already being successful in their dream job, getting engaged or married, and talking kids. 

When you associate yourself around people who seem to be living their dream life, you generally tend to be harder on yourself. Especially if you’re not in a similar boat. 

The quarter life crisis is real. If you’re going through it, know you’re not alone. It will get better, I can’t wait till it does for me so I can write about That. 

It typically lasts about 2 years, oh great. But this actually is known to help 20 year olds get the push we sometimes need to keep working towards our goals. 

Just don’t be too hard on yourself. Work towards what you want and live life how it makes you happy. Remember to please only yourself. What others say and think doesn’t matter. 

Bored 

I’ve started to notice a pattern. 

My life becomes redundant. 

Overbearing, repetitive, boring. 

I get in my routine, and it gets old quickly. 

I become bored with who I am, what I do, what I’ve become. 

I try to find escape. 

But its inevitable. 

It always comes. 

I tried so long to push it away, to fight it. 

Pretend it wasn’t there. 

But it creeped up on me, quickly now. 

Full speed. 

Now its consuming me. 

I’m bored. 

Everything is the same. 

No change, just the same old. 

Everyday, same thing. 

Wake up, wait and hope this will change. 

But it never does. 

It hopes to consume the best of me. 

I hate it. 

Tuesday

2 more days and he leaves. 

Why does it hurt so bad?

I thought I didn’t care about you the way I used to. 

Was I just trying to play myself, make myself seem further from you to protect myself?

I hate it. I wish I hated you. 

I don’t hate anyone, so I wish I really disliked you. 

But I don’t. I love you. 

So it hurts. It’s tearing me apart. 

To know that in two days the apartment you call home will just be another apartment. 

The street you live on will just be another street. 

You. 

You will be just another person. 

A stranger who knows so much about me. 

My fears, my faults, my imperfections. 

My goals, my dreams, the way I feel for you. 

It hurts that you’re going to throw it all away. 

A selfish act because you’re bored of your life. 

Its unfair. 

Everyone keeps saying you don’t love me. 

I pretend you do. 

Its easier that way. 

2 more days and I’ll never see you again. 

I’ll just be holding on to the broken promises, the empty memories that you leave behind. 

I love you but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive this. 

Leaving 

He’s leaving again…

Second time in the nearly 4 years that he does this. 

This time to a different country.

Why must he go? 

Leave once again. 

Thats all he knows how to do. 

Runaway. 

Run from the problems. 

Just like he does when he’s here, all while numbing the pain. 

He doesn’t like to feel. 

Only I feel. 

And it hurts. Not as bad as last time. 

But it does hurt. 

This time it seems like its over. 

The Damage won’t be able to be repaired as easily as it’d been done in the past. 

Perhaps thats why it seems more real. 

Why do you still have control over me? 

I thought I was done with that. 

But I’m clearly not because you’re leaving and I’m falling to pieces. 

Slowly. 

Unsure if I’ll ever be put back together. 

Without being bruised and scarred after how you’ve left me.