This year has seriously been horrible for me.
I guess I could kind of tell from last new years that it was going to be rocky.
My boyfriend and I had gotten into a huge fight because I found out he’d been lying to me about something I was strongly against for awhile. I mean probably since we began dating because he knew how against it I was.
So although we did spend the beginning of the evening together, once I found out the truth, shit definitely hit the fan.
I already have huge trust issues, to come to find out the man who I loved had been lying to me for the last 2.5 years really messed me up.
So basically the first few months of the new year sucked for me because of this lie. Things slowly started making sense and I realized how could I not have noticed? But I guess when you think you’re in love, you’re blinded and of course no one wants to believe their significant other is lying to them about something you feel so strongly about.
In about February, I started finding out that I was going to need to find a new job asap because the site where I was doing security at was going to shut down. So if I didn’t find a new job, I’d risk getting laid off or moving somewhere relatively dangerous.
That started a bunch of stress for me. And of course I can’t take much stress, that causes me to get sick. And then I started worrying that I would get another tumor like I’d had in the past.
In April I found a new job. The worst job I’ve ever had. I worked for chase, they’re a horrible company to work for.
You know the companies where they say you’re just a number? Yeah, that’s what an employee is to chase.
I had a horrible schedule. I worked a mid shift, and I had to work Every single Sunday. My manager who I ended up finding out wasn’t even my manager, threatened to write me up constantly.
For pure nonsense really. He didn’t like me. He also constantly asked me very personal questions which made me obviously very uncomfortable.
I worked there for 4 long months. I hated every minute of it. I hated the schedule, my manager was a horrible 27 year old prick.
And all I dealt with while working at chase as an online banker was people calling in to report issues. Constant complaining, that I could care less about.
It was horrible. In September I got hired at amazon. So I quit on the spot at chase. Hated it so much I didn’t care to put in a 2 weeks notice. I’d rather go to a different bank if I ever wanted to do something like that again. Which I clearly hate banking from that experience.
Now months later, chase is trying to take back some of the vacation hours they’d paid me for claiming that I didn’t work there long enough to have gotten all those hours of vacation. Horrible company. Why give me those hours in the first place if I wasn’t eligible for it?
I went to orientation at amazon, it was a seasonal position but if they liked you, they’d keep you after the holidays. However after the orientation I was told to wait to actually start. Never started. I emailed and called them plenty, but they kept saying I needed to wait for my shift I’d picked to begin training.
I was jobless for nearly 2 months.
Money started running out. My dad got injured at work in August. It was a very stressful time. I didn’t know what was gonna happen. I kept applying at jobs. My car started giving me problems so I traded it in and then I had 3 interviews and landed my current job.
Which by the way, I love. I’m a therapist now. And I couldn’t be happier. Its a wonderful job where I love all my patients. I do work far from home but I’m hoping to be transferred to a location much closer to me very soon.
Saturday, December 10, 2016 my grandpa passed away. It was an extremely sad day for me. We had to fly to New York, when I saw him on December 13 at the wake, I couldn’t stop crying. I hadn’t seen him since 2013. Last time I saw him I took a picture with him. I never would’ve guessed that would’ve been the last picture I’d ever take with him.
He couldn’t walk very well the last time I’d seen him. But he tried his best. He used to always ask me as a kid if I wanted any bread or fruit when I’d go to his house. I always chose bread. It’d just be plain bread. But it was amazing to me.
So many people remember him for being so kind. He always was. He would go above and beyond for anyone who needed help. He was always at church on Sundays. Up until he couldn’t walk anymore.
In the end, he walked with a cane. He used to always walk to stores nearby to get bread, fruits, and vegetables. But eventually he couldn’t anymore.
He was 78 years old when he left this world and went on to the next. I wonder if he’s still 78 there.
It was so sad seeing him in the coffin, I’d never seen anyone in one before. I’d never lost anyone near and dear to me. Why did he have to be the first one?
He had 7 children with my grandma. I watched as 6 of them cried, got angry, didn’t want to accept it. Everyone dealt with it differently. Some screamed, some cried, some said it was not real, and all I could do was kneel beside his coffin, sobbing.
He missed Christmas this year. That was his favorite holiday. When I was a child, one of our traditions was that he’d dress up as Santa and give the 4 grandchildren our gifts that year. We’d sit on his lap and believed it was really Santa.
He made our Christmas every year. Eventually when we found out he was Santa, we still kept the tradition going. He’ll always be my Santa.
Why did he have to go right before Christmas? Our favorite holiday.
I guess I won’t ever understand it. I hope he’s watching down on all of us from heaven. I miss him so much. We all do.
I had to come back to Texas December 19 because of work. But my plane got delayed so I ended up not going back to work till December 20. Everyone at work kept giving me their condolences. I tried to be a shadow. I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want anyone to tell me they were sorry, it wasn’t going to bring him back. A few people had no idea, they thought I’d quit.
Everyone was in a festive mood. I was so over it.
Christmas wasn’t special this year. My parents and brothers are still in New York. I went to my godmothers so I wouldn’t be alone during the holiday. I had thought about staying. But my sister and I are never on good terms anymore. And my boyfriend with his conversion to his new religion, doesn’t even celebrate christmas any longer. So I felt if I stayed I’d just cry all night.
My boyfriend hasn’t even really been here for me through the whole situation with my grandpa passing. Every time we are together he brings up his religion and we can’t agree obviously since we are on opposite ends of the spectrum. He wants me to be ok with a religion where he isn’t even allowed to date me because I am not his religion. They told him he should not be with me. Why would he ever think I’d be ok with that?
I walk on eggshells with him. I’m just waiting for him to end our relationship as I’m sure they’ll convince him to do so. And he can’t eat normal food any longer. So hanging out with me ends up being more stress than anything as I wait and see what his next move is.
I don’t really think I need this right now. Instead of asking me how I’m feeling, how I’m doing because of the situation. He just brings up stuff from his book he reads and why it contradicts what’s in my bible. Leading to fights and everything seems to make me cry these days. So I often end up bawling afterwards and wondering why I always seem to be in a bad position with him.
Perhaps we’re not meant to be together. If he continues with his religion unfortunately they’ll make him break up with me. So that’s probably the case. He doesn’t even want to kiss me anymore. Its changing him drastically and all I would like right now is comfort. I wanna feel loved.
I feel all alone. I can’t wait till my family gets back. I need them. I don’t know how my sister doesn’t care to have them in her life. I couldn’t live without my family.
So yeah that sums up my 2016. Worst year so far. And unfortunately I’m not even looking forward to the next year.
Of course I’m in a very negative and depressing state right now. But after how horribly this year started and how bad it is ending, I don’t even wanna imagine because I already know 2017 is going to start bad.